If we roam around in IT offices ,it would be a daily thing there – Some boss would be shouting on his employee ,”Why did you send the data in its original form? Compress it and then, send it. It becomes so huge. ”My sister works in IT and through her ,I know of all the details that should be there and and what should not be. Ohh !She talks a lot. However ,the word to zoom on here is, Compression. There was a time when to keep documents at a place ,you needed to write in papers and you needed a huge amount of physical space to store those. Now ,all the best books can be accommodated in a single pen drive and there would be still space left .Don’t focus on the definition of best books .The world has always been fascinated with compression. They have wanted everything (phones ,computers) to be shortened as much as possible .But one thing we have never loved being compressed is us. Bodies, we have always wanted to be big or at least normal .In this perfect world where everybody talks of being pretty , political leaders talk of equality more than food ,nobody wants to see their bodies getting constricted .I am no other .I hate persons, who are compressed .It feels as if someone hammered them along the length .I mock them ,I feel sad at them and then ,I look at myself and tears come pouring out of my eyes every morning and every night – every hour of the day I am awake.
Part 1- Achondroplasia
If we roam around in IT offices ,it would be a daily thing there – Some boss would be shouting on his employer ,”Why did you send the data in its original form ?Compress it and then ,send it .It becomes so huge .”My sister works in IT and through her ,I know of all the details that should be there and and what should not be. Ohh !She talks a lot. However ,the word to zoom on here is, Compression. There was a time when to keep documents at a place ,you needed to write in papers and you needed a huge amount of physical space to store those. Now ,all the best books can be accommodated in a single pen drive and there would be still space left .Don’t focus on the definition of best books .The world has always been fascinated with compression. They have wanted everything (phones ,computers) to be shortened as much as possible .But one thing we have never loved being compressed is us. Bodies ,we have always wanted to be big or at least normal .In this perfect world where everybody talks of being pretty , political leaders talk of equality more than food ,nobody wants to see their bodies getting constricted. I am no other .I hate persons, who are compressed .It feels as if someone hammered them along the length .I mock them ,I feel sad at them and then ,I look at myself and tears come pouring out of my eyes every morning and every night – every hour of the day I am awake.
I generally ,woke up in the morning at around 7-8.My mother leaves at around 9 . Before leaving, she gives me coffee and makes sure I have done my breakfast. She loves me more than anything - sympathizes with me more than my siblings as I am the dwarf child .I never went to college really ;I went for exams and nothing more than that .I completed my graduation - thought of getting a job. But doing jobs meant that I had to be out in the world ,which I can’t. My parents, my family loves me. Others feel pity at me and nothing more .Thanks to internet ,I feel like I am out in the world behaving like normal ,with normal legs and normal hands. Sometimes ,I feel like I traded my beautiful face for my short hands and legs. My sister calls me every two days generally and talks of all the things that is happening in her life .She is beautiful ,smart and mostly innocent – she has a lot of stories to tell. This is the general routine ,I have for myself everyday since the last 24 years. Many times this has happened with me that someone comes at my home and he/she doesn’t know me ,he sees me from behind, and he would ask my mom,”arrey. When u became a grandmom.”Funny ,right .Well ,if you are on the receiving part of it ,it is not funny. And then ,he sees my face and the not-a-child look on it. The excited face gets morphed into a sad/sympathizer one and he wished that he would not have said the things he said .I wish my life would change. The only change that I am getting in the last 8 years is that today ,my home is shifting.
Part 2- The Door
A new home in a place away from the hassle of city life. The farm fields and big banyan trees adorn either side of the road. The beautiful wild flowers around gave the feel of a vacation. We covered a lot of road to reach the house. The roads’ condition had started deteriorating 10 km away only. Giant houses like this come on cheap rates in areas like this only.The location of the passage along with the house was in between the thick trees on both the sides. A left turn and then ,a small passageway, took us in front of the house ‘s main grilled gate. It was well carved on the main gate at the top, Dvara .Why would anybody give it a name called Dvara. Weird but it is true as it is. Surprisingly ,there were no locks .My father stepped out of the car and opened the gate from the outside .We reached inside, I stepped out and I could see the boundaries of the house giving the big trees a competition from some distance. It seemed that someone had cut the big trees close to the boundary of the house. May be my father would have got it done for safety reasons.
I could make out three floors from the outside apart from the ground floor. Three people total and so much space to live .I could remember the lines of Gully boy – Ghar mein hai chaar toh rooms tere 8 kyun? . I chuckled ,nobody noticed .My mother ,sporting a greenish blue saari ,complemented by a pink blouse ,carrying a Capresse handbag gifted by my sister seemed worried. A novice painter would be even able to capture the emotions on her face at that moment .My mother did not seem that she would have ever agreed to this crazy decision of my father only if she knew the solidarity of the house of such magnitude .I could hear the fight between them as we reached inside .We unloaded our things and tried to settle them wherever possible .The promise that the house gave when looked from outside delivered on good numbers .The 1st floor had five large rooms ,a sizeable kitchen ,two prodigious bathrooms and a gargantuan hall. It had all the ingredients of an Indian Horror TV serial .The condition of the house suggested that someone stopped living there recently.
I selected a room ,skipping the room closest to the room where my parents took .Actually,I had a strategy in place while selecting that room. Since two weeks ,I have been watching porn videos. Earlier ,I did not use to see that. But there has been quite a spike in my sexual hormones lately and I don’t want Mom or Dad to suddenly barge into my room when I would be watching those. Sometimes ,I even wonder whether I would have sex ever in life. Marriage is strictly off the cards ,I believe .How many dwarfs u see everyday ?Most of them are in small professions ,low standards .Though I may be short ,I have class. Mostly ,it is due to Mom ,Dad ,siblings. They bring to me all the stories from the world .If I could make a wish ,I would love a tall ,dark and handsome boy .My room does not have a bathroom .I had to go to the other side of the hall to pee .My father never forgets to switch on the lights in the hall. Me and my mother are very scared of the dark. The jungle night was different from the previous night .Crickets were chirping in the background; strange voices were tearing into the silence at random intervals .At moments ,there were voices of a bird crying on the roof. There were no city noises; no TV; no children crying. The huge hall felt like a battlefield for me to go across .I could always go and wake my parents but the next day they would say
that I am still a small child. Looking at each door felt as if someone would barge out of the adjoining rooms and march at me .I quietly moved forward with few steps.The lights went out. The crying bird suddenly seemed to get turned on. The chirping of the cricket intensified .I could not see one step ahead of me. My mouth got choked .I did not speak, did not move. The darkness had engulfed all the light that could be. I started chanting Hanuman Chalisa in my mind,”श्रीगुरु चरन सरोज रज निजमनु मुकुरु सुधारि…..”It was a distress call for me. The lights turned on. The colour of the light was red rather than white. It felt very unusual and weird. May be I am thinking too much. I made progress through the hall to reach the other end. I opened the door .To my utter surprise ,the bathroom was quite modernised .There were many things in the washroom ,which were surely not mine and not my mother’s. Perhaps ,they were of my previous owner .I peed and closed the door.The surroundings were quite different than of my house.There was a smaller hall room to the left.To the right,there was a door which was open.I entered the room to see a queen sized bed by the window side ,with a pink bra of a girl lying on the bed. Somebody seemed to be in a hurry.There is an almirah set,besides the window. This is surely not my home.I saw some footsteps approaching.A tall,brown boy complemented by facial features,that would surely put him in the handsome category came all the way giggling,stopped in front of me,took my hands into his own,brought me closer to his chest,slowly brushed his fingers against my arms,shifted them around the waist and pursed his lips against mine.That was the first kiss I ever had.Before this,I had never thought that I would kiss someone.I got lost in the moment.I do not know how I performed but it appeared that he quite liked it.The act lasted for quite some time.He looked like as if he just landed on the top of the moon.He kept giggling,”Bye.I am leaving for the class.”He waved his hands and left,”Bye”. I kept staring at him.I did not say a word. This is indeed a dream. It felt so real. I am so tall and someone is kissing me.I have to see my face. How do I look when I am tall ?I checked the mirror.It was my face only.I had slender legs,slender fingers,a sexy waist.The point is that I was normal below the waist.I had a normal height and normal weight.I am one of the hot chicks.But this is a dream.It will end soon.But why it feels so real?But fuck it ,whatever it is.I will cherish this dream as much as possible.The phone rang.She saw herself with her mother in the contact photo,”Hello”.
“Hey. What are you doing?” There was no sign of sympathy in her voice ,which generally used to be there whenever her mother talked to her.
“So ,I have got good news for you.”
"Mom, I am already very happy."
“Why? what happened?”
“I have great legs .I have great waist .I am 5 foot 9 or 10, I believe .I am so sexy and beautiful.”
“Yes .What do you want? Your mother to flirt with you. Rishikesh already does that. Right?” Her voice had a teasing tone to it. She laughed .I came to know that the boy I just kissed was Rishikesh .Wait a minute ,I have other memories of him as well .I have many memories .I have great friends .I have a good social life .The memories kept coming for a bit .Her mother on not hearing anything disconnected the call. They are all coming to me. Has life changed after I entered the door or is it just a crazy dream ?Whatever it is ,I will take fun in it as much as possible.
Chapter 3- The Greed
I went to my college in Bangalore .Life has drastically changed .May be it is a parallel universe. Many guys look at me when I step outside. Inside the flat ,Rishikesh is there for most of the time. He lives in PG and so ,we can’t go to his room .He is just an average call center guy. He loves me very much. Of this, I can surely tell. He is nice .I have been liking it so far. I am not uninvited to the parties .I am one of the famous girls in the college .There are my fans. There are my lovers. There are my exes. Whatever this world is ,I have acknowledged this is not mere a dream .Perhaps ,God has given me the opportunity to make everything right.
I had friends for real .Not only Instagram friends ,but real friends who hang out with me .It has been 1 month and I am quite appreciating this new life .One of my good friends was Vikrant .He is a well-disciplined and rich guy .He has got decent looks .He had a car in college .He told me ,”I want to tell you one thing .”He took a pause .I gave a nod expression .We were walking .There was nobody with us .He continued ,”You should look beyond Rishikesh. He is not worthy of you. Look at you ,how beautiful and brilliant in studies you are.” I did not add anything to that .I did not even imagine this life.
“There is no future with him. He makes so less money.”
I did not cut him short. Rishikesh loves me .I am sure of that .He took my silence as a discouragement and we continued to the cafeteria to fetch our breakfast.
His words kept revolving in my mind. There is only one life we have and we should cherish it to the fullest .I was never able to go to any pubs or anything .Rishikesh is a good person but hardly he has any money that he is able to spend on me. We mostly stay inside my flat .We do not even order outside food; always my-maid-prepared-food .I want to go to late night pubs or parties or restaurants. Only one life to live .I broke up with him .I put him in tears .He sobbed for hours when I told him .He did not leave the bed .I sat on the bean bag, sometimes the chair to see him cool down .I was his first love .For the most part of the day ,he was obscuring behind the blanket. He finally left when it was almost time to office.
“You know how she spends her whole day. She needs us.”One could see her eyes in full lecture mode.I was wondering on what had happened to her that she needs us.She was always the perfect sister.”You have become older.You should be more responsible.Talk to her daily once or at least in two days once.” asp .I would call mother and ask about her .My mother changed the voice call into a video call .My mother talks a lot .The world would be ending but she would always be in her own universe ,talking and talking .She told about the new filter she had .With a grim expression ,she asked ,”Why have you not talked to your sis ter for a month or so?” I was not shocked about the duration but at the way the words were delivered.
“You know how she spends her whole day. She needs us .”One could see her eyes in full lecture mode .I was wondering on what had happened to her that she needs us .She was always the perfect sister. ”You have become older. You should be more responsible .Talk to her daily once or at least in two days once.”
I nodded ,”Okay. Maa.”
She went to the other room .It was the same room that I used to live everyday back when I was small. Everything was almost the same in my room ;the position of the table ,almirah ,window ,the bed .I saw my sister lying on the bed ,blanket all over her body except the face. There was something weird though .My mom woke her up .I had missed her and her face. She also used to talk a lot with me. She always had tried to make me comfortable .I still don’t know what went wrong with her. She was as cheerful as a child in talking with me .She asked me about my boyfriend & whatever stuff ,which is going on here. She was so interested in my life. I felt good talking with her. She is so lazy that all this time she talked ,she was laying on the bed.
“Ohh .Shit! Bathroom .”She chuckled .”Now ,I would have to really leave the bed”.
I too laughed .”Lazy .Kodhia .”
She removed her blanket .I saw a child’s legs and hands and body. The face was the same and everything else about her body had changed .Everything except face was so tiny .She was no more that version of her ,that I remember .She had actually become me .I now understood why my mother asked me to be more responsible earlier .I got into this form at the expense of her and she doesn’t even know that. This is so sad .I got a new life and she got the opposite .She even does not know how to deal with that. I was already dealing with that. May be I can fix everything .I just don’t want to leave this life .I have got everything here and I don’t want to change that. May be nothing I can do in this situation .May be it is all God’s will .I have to forget the past and live my life to the fullest.
I kept on partying with Vikrant and living a life ,I had only dreamt of .He was rich ,he took me to expensive places .I had been to Taj ,The Oberoi ,JW Marriott .When we went out of the towns ,he always used to book expensive resorts .I was having a lot of fun with Vikrant ;I used to call my sister daily .I wanted to experience everything that life has to offer .Then ,I started getting bored .I wanted may be a new boyfriend .I installed Tinder and started getting on random dates with random boys. Casual dates sometimes turned into one night stands .I was liking that.
It is 5 pm. My sister is ringing me ,” Hey”.
“Mom suffered an accident .She went to one of the rooms in the house and slipped there .Oil was on the floor – a container had holes and oil was everywhere on the floor.”
“Shit. Was it the middle room on the 1st floor.”
“How do you know? Yes ,it was the same room.”
“I am coming ,baby. Take care of maa and paa. I will take the next flight.”
Everyday I used to talk to my sister. Her pains now were mine someday .It feels like a cheat code I received and my sister got the opposite. Is it not justice ?I suffered so much – Can not I now fulfill my dreams. I am calling my sister everyday .My mother – is it my mistake. Have I deserted her? Have I deserted my family? Can I change it , can I forsake everything for the sake of my sister – did she also receive this option? Am I a devil or a simple human being wanting to live my life .I don’t think I want to go back ever .This is the new reality.
I went to the home instead of the hospital. I waited for the night. Lights blinked around midnight. Amidst the red light ,I walked again and entered the room.
I woke up because of the loud ring of the phone. Pia was video calling .I picked up the phone. ”Where are you? Good morning.”
“Hey .I am in Pondicherry. Meet my boyfriend – Rishikesh .”Pia seemed very happy .I took my phone and went through her photos as if they were mine.
Note : Art in this page is by Palak Goel